The Just King Governs For the Good of His People
I Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, does not boast, is not arrogant, 5 is not rude, is not self-seeking/does not insist on its own way, is not irritable/not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. 7 Love bears all things/ always protects, believes all things/always trusts, hopes all things, endures all things/always perseveres” [a blend of ESV, NIV CSB)].
Young people who are facing marriage today face a daunting task. Too often, they come from families that are themselves dysfunctional, if they exist at all. Healthy models for marriage are harder to find than they once were. This ancient enterprise of marriage and family is now especially complicated for young men. In the noise around their heads, they are told that any identifiable masculinity is “toxic,” unless, of course, it is embodied by women. The “approved people” are no longer pushing mere sexual interchangeability, the basic doctrine of the old liberal individualism. They have moved beyond that to the superiority and empowerment of women in every human sphere. So why not in a marriage? Men, if they are enlightened, are expected to boast that their strong wives lead the home, something they, as men, are “not afraid of.” For a long time now, television comedies that depict a family have presented the husband-wife relationship as a partnership of equals, but the wife is strong and intelligent, the real leader, whereas the husband is an overgrown boy and a bit of a clunkhead.
Marriage and family are fundamental to the well-being of human life. If family fails, everything collapses around it. But it is fundamental also to the coming into being and cultivation of all future generations. So, of course, God’s word gives wise and clear counsel on its proper order and purpose.
God calls a Christian husband to be the “head” of his home, even of his wife. The Apostle Paul states the matter quite directly in I Corinthians 11:3, “the head of a wife is her husband.” It is true that marriage is a friendship, a relationship of reciprocal goodwill between equals. But whereas friendship ordinarily does not have “someone ultimately in charge,” marriage is a friendship of a particular sort. Civil society is also a kind of friendship – a “civic friendship” – and yet, for its good, it is and must be governed (Rom. 13:4). The church is a society of friends (III John 15), and yet it too has a government for the spiritual care of its members as well as for the greater perfection of the church itself. The same is true for that unique friendship, that small society, which is the family, even the family of two in marriage.
The husband is called to govern. But in the modern West, when we think of governing we think of democracy–the only acceptable form of government: downward accountability, broad popular authority. For this reason, men hesitate to step up and step into this leadership role, feeling culturally and morally forbidden (morally because culturally), so their marriages function as a leaderless team. Moreover, some men are inclined to defer to their wives’ leadership, especially if she seems more gifted in wisdom and decision-making. Some others step up quite eagerly into the leadership role but govern as ogres. But the model for a man’s government of his home, as it is for all forms of government, is Christ himself, the wise and gracious king of his church.
The Christian home is not, however, a democracy, nor a meritocracy, but a monarchy properly understood. Yes, a Christian man is king over his home. “Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord,” and so wives should “be subject to [their] own husbands” like “the holy women who hoped in God.” (I Peter 3:1, 5-6). But husbands should not get excited at this. Mel Brooks, playing France’s eighteenth-century absolute monarch, Louis XIV, in History of the World Part I (1981), said, “It’s good to be king!” But Mel’s character was a reckless scoundrel who did whatever he pleased as he pleased to do it. By contrast, the man who governs his home in godliness mediates the gracious rule of King Jesus in his small but critically important domestic sphere. Paul precedes his statement to the Corinthians, regarding wives, with the inseparable teaching, “The head of every man is Christ.” The Christian husband in his Christian home is thus called to rule with the love and wisdom of Christ himself – to seek it out, to grow in it, and to apply it in the shepherding of his home. Thus, we also read: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her” (Eph 5:25). In this kingly office, a man is commissioned to exercise specifically kingly love, as he does in whatever sphere of life he rules. In view of this, he needs to know what love is, specifically love as exercised in rule.
Knowledge of this love begins with the knowledge of God, for “God is love” (I John 4:8). The head of household rules in God’s place, in his name, for his sake, and so he rules with love. What form, then, does that love take? What does it look like in practice? There is much these days that goes under that banner but is not God’s love, it is not true love. We see this godly love throughout God’s dealings with his covenant people, but supremely in the redemption of his people through his Son. “God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). For instruction in kingly love, therefore, we look to Christ Jesus in particular, who loved his church in his humiliation and crucifixion. In these examples, we see five marks of a Christian husband’s kingly love: it is sacrificial, good, humble, and wise.
Kingly love is sacrificial
Where there is no sacrifice, however small it may be, there is no love. Love is not transactional. It is not an act of mere mutual self-interest. Love serves the one loved, even at great cost to oneself. That’s what sacrifice is. “God so loved the world that he gave his only Son.” A gift expresses love in its thoughtfulness, but also in its cost. Even when a child (or a husband) hand-makes a Mother’s Day card rather than buying one, that is a cost. When someone presents you with a gift that they themselves received but do not want, that is, when they re-gift, the love behind it is at least questioned. David would not give to God what cost him nothing, and so, for his sacrifice, he insisted on buying Araunah’s threshing floor rather than simply receiving it from him. “I will buy it from you for a price. I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God that cost me nothing” (II Sam 24:24).
Kingly love is good
God’s gift of his Son was ordered toward our peaceful and holy fellowship with God, “eternal life,” our ultimate good. Love is benevolent. It wills the good of the one loved. Imagine a Christian king. He serves his people. To do this, he must first know their good and then serve their good. This is not what he merely feels is good. Nor is it merely what the ruled themselves think is good, though they may be correct in what they think. The good king must know what is actually good for them and then do it, even if it costs him, as it will. Imagine they get upset at him over what he has done for them. They are ungrateful. They protest. He feels hurt. So? He keeps serving. He is faithful to them, even when they are unfaithful to themselves and to him. Praise is nice, but love is not transactional; it is not conditional. “Love suffers long and is kind” (I Cor. 13:4 NKJV).
The Christian home is not a democracy, but nor is it a tyranny. Tyranny is the exercise of authority, not for the good of the governed, but for the selfish advantage of the one in power. There is no place for such arbitrary government, self-serving autocracy, in a Christian home. Autocracy is essentially one guy in charge, what he says goes, and it goes for him. “[T]he head of a wife is her husband.” Yes, but “[t]he head of every man is Christ”! A husband loves his wife as Christ loves his church for her good.
A man’s Christian kingship in the home is also not totalitarian. Totalitarianism goes beyond tyranny. To the concentration of total power, it adds total control. One can imagine that this total power and total control could be exercised benevolently, though not among human beings as they exist. But even if well-intentioned, it is fundamentally inappropriate as human government for anyone but infants and toddlers. A man’s wife is not a child. She’s a godly, mature woman indwelt by the Spirit of God. As such, she exercises adult agency and mature liberty. She even brings her own wisdom to the decision-making for herself and the family. In love, her husband respects that. He extends the same respect to his children as they pass from infancy to childhood, from childhood into youth, and from youth into young adulthood, that is, as they grow in wise and responsible adult agency, coming into their mature liberty. The man’s wife is, of course, already there! A good king respects and guards the ordered liberty of his people.
Kingly love is humble
When God “gave his only Son,” Jesus “being found in human form, humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Php 2:8). Notice how much of how Paul characterizes love in I Corinthians 13, the great love passage, boils down to humility: love “does not envy, does not boast, is not arrogant…is not self-seeking, is not irritable [CSB; NIV, not easily angered].” From the start of our Christian lives we are growing in Christian character. Every Christian is called as a Christian to love, to serve, to be outwardly focused, and other-oriented. Every Christian is called to humility! Thus, love “does not insist on its own way (v.5 ESV).
Anger, for example, is all about you, occupation with you. Someone has offended you, frustrated your plans. Perhaps your wife says something hurtful, or is not showing you the respect you think you deserve, or isn’t giving you the credit you think you have earned. And the fight goes from there. Stop that where it starts! See what it is, confess it, and kill it! Say, “Hold on, self! That’s about you! Protecting you. Staking your claims.” Instead, forgetting yourself, ask, “How do I love her right now? How do I love this difficult person – perhaps just difficult for me? Loving her is not about me, it’s about her…and I am called to love her. How can I serve her particular needs in this situation?” Again, the Apostle: “Love keeps no record of wrongs” (v.5). That tally sheet is all about you, isn’t it? For one who is humble, self is a low priority.
Kingly love is gentle
“Take my yoke upon you,” says the King of love who our Shepherd is, “for I am gentle and lowly of heart…” (Matt. 11:29). There is a time for decisive command as captain of the family ship, when a call must be made and it’s the man’s to make, the burden of the husband. “The buck stops here, and this is my decision.” But such times are rare. There are a few brutish husbands who wield the “submission card” like a cudgel for control. They do it daily, in matters great and small. But a pastor of mine once said, “Ya know, David, this matter of submission doesn’t actually come up very much.” I thought maybe he was just soft on the point, but I have come to find that he was right. “Love is patient, love is kind.” It is tender, merciful, and gentle.
Kingly love is wise
Christ the Word is personified wisdom in the Book of Proverbs, by whom “kings reign” and “princes rule, and nobles, all who govern justly” (Prov. 8:15-16). Love is well-intentioned, but it also wants to be effective for good because it desires the actual benefit of the one loved. It knows the good end but also seeks the best means. That requires wisdom, prudence, and good practical judgment. “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…” (Eccl. 3:1-8). Wisdom not only properly discerns good from evil, it knows what people can bear, when and how far they can bear it, and how hard to push at any given time. We see this in the stages of childrearing. Paul cautions fathers in the Church of Ephesus, “do not provoke your children to anger” (Eph. 6:4). Be wise in your expectations and discipline. We see the same wisdom in how God shepherds each of us in our stages of sanctification. Wisdom knows the place of gentleness in goodness, and in humility knows one’s own place relative to others and to God, as well as when and how sacrifice can love indeed.
Christian brothers who have taken on the mantle of leadership in your home, perhaps your new home with your new bride: as you seek to embody Christ to the one whom you love most dearly in all the world, God is conforming you in all of this to the Great King Jesus, to Christ who lives in you and loves through you.
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